|Pacifica with Candradasa, |
two days ago
"Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. 'When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently,' she says, 'common themes surfaced again and again.' "
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
I don't have any of those regrets. I suppose I regret not staying in touch with some people I've met over the years, traveling, etc., but I don't think that'd be at the top of my list. Let's see...
- I wish in the fairly distant past I had preferred love interests based on kindness and humor rather than height and looks.
- I wish I hadn't smoked cigarettes. (Probably unrelated to my current predicament, but still, seems totally horrible from here.)
- More recently, I wish I hadn't complained as much as I apparently did when I was director of the Buddhist Center. (Seems to be most of what some people remember about the eight years I was director, which makes me sad.)
Currently I don't have an appointment to talk to Dr. Nelson, so I don't know what was found on the CT scan, though I have my suspicions about it. When I called, there were no appointments available, or none available soon. I sent her an email this morning asking about the results of the scan, and one to Dr. Patel (radiation onc). Dr. Patel replied that unless there was shortness of breath or pain coming from a very specific location, it wasn't worth destroying lung tissue with radiation. So I guess I'll wait to hear from her (she would have only gotten the scan results today.)
I was thinking about Misha telling me I think last week that my 'upper burner' (basically, the heart) pulse was very weak. (This does not mean in western terms that my heart is weak. Not sure what it means actually, but obviously she noted some kind of serious vitality issue in my chest.) I have a consultation with Misha tomorrow.
Talking to any of my sisters is totally fucking sad, as are many other interactions. That's the way it is now and for the foreseeable future.
I came here (Cafe La Boheme) to write, but much of what I've done so far is look up physician-assisted suicide, euphemisms for death, and answer some emails. I feel confused, though writing this felt good.