|Impermanence, Santa Cruz mountains|
I'm sad too and have been thinking about you non-stop, including the second I woke up. Many of my thoughts are puzzlement, like what is the idea of life and what does it all mean. My curiousity makes the idea of death a little easier I think because I've always been so curious about it. I have such vivid dreams that some I've even mistaken for reality at times, so if I live in dreams will I live in death?
And then there's the closeness I still feel to loved ones who are gone. I know it sounds crazy so I don't mention it to many, but my grandma for instance doesn't feel gone to me. I know she's dead but I still feel like I have a current relationship with her and it's actually better than the live one because none of the irrelevant shit matters anymore. It's just a lot of love and humor, etc. I feel the same way with my other grandma too, and she no longer has the memory problem she had when alive. She's at her prime and always right behind me. I can hear her laugh as well as I can hear any living person. So, although this makes me sad and not want to see it happen, I don't feel like there will be a total severing of all of the good. The bad will sever. No more illness but the good things like love don't stop for me, and they don't appear to stop for either of my grandmas either, unless I really am crazy.
I still have hope that healing will happen, however remote the chance, and I also have hope for no suffering. I read your blog last night and see that you've had some chest pain. I once thought I might be having a heart attack and found that it was mild pneumonia instead. If your lungs are causing pain I don't want that to get worse.
I’m impressed by the amount of ‘books to throw out’ you got through yesterday. I cant seem to do more than about ten at a time – and that’s if I’m lucky. But then I guess I don’t have death by cancer concentrating the mind, or a lot of people being sad about me to want a break from...As this is an email I could possibly convince you that I’m not sad. But that would be too weird and anyhow you’re too smart to believe it. Although actually what I feel most is just a lot of love. -Dhammagita
I was at the last day of the women's National Order Weekend. I got up in front of about 90 [women Order members] and let them know, asking them to send you metta. They were understandably concerned and many told me to give you their love. I don't remember their names...
...I think I may have already told you this once or twice before, but THANK YOU! Viveka taught me to meditate, but YOU taught me to LOVE. You taught me how to be open to my heart, let it be its ugly self when it needed to. Let it live its own life within me, mysterious and deep. Let it guide me, let its love deepen and grow and engulf everyone. Thanks for your smiles, laughter, honesty, and love. You exemplify what we are all trying to achieve. You are an inspiration to me.
I don't know about what happens next but in case it might somehow have an effect I've summoned my mother's spirit to your side to guide you through this. Maybe it just makes me feel better. In a way you kind of remind me of her, you have the same sense of humor, I think you would have been friends.
I know you have a lot of people around you now and am envisioning you surrounded by love and support, and spaciousness as you need it. If you ever need someone to listen to you, the good and the bad, please don't hesitate to let me know and if you think it would be helpful I'll be there. It's terrible to be so sick, and to feel alone is it is horrible. You are not alone, even while at the same time none of us are walking in your shoes. I'd offer upbeat distraction but I'm actually terrible at that. I love you. So many people love you. I hope that is some comfort.
I read the news about your cancer in your lungs and not sure what words would bring the most comfort except you are showing us day by day how to be alive and how to be sick and how to keep laughing and crying and hugging and singing and everything that is fully wonderfully human you, dear Suvanna.