Wednesday, August 8, 2012


Baldy and the Medicines,
my new band name
I've been feeling depressed the last couple of days, in the morning and at night. I seem to be complaining more in general. I gave those talks about how enlightening it all is, then, crash. Perhaps. It almost makes me superstitious, like if you say everything's going to be ok, or that everything is ok, then the god/s will strike you down. Something about the low that follows the high, the confusion that follows the clarity...

Reading Sumedho's book on my non-phone iPhone last night was helpful. As was meditating this morning.

It occurred to me that I will have decisions to make if I still have cancer come November. I hope that I do not have to make those decisions.

What the I, Robot robots looked like.
Sometimes I'm surprised at how
north euro-looking I am.
Playing with various sleep aids. The Ativan pretty much doesn't work anymore so I'm going to try to stop taking it. I've gotten higher-dosage melatonin (10mg) and valerian (650mg), and marijuana (I used to call it 'pot' but now it's marijuana apparently.) There is an edge of anxiety for me about addiction but that's just a part of all I'm working with. I feel completely different when I get enough sleep.

Trying to type at my desk sometimes now rather than in bed. Posture is an issue, as the days and months pass, my shoulders move together in front, become concave. Will try sitting on the yoga ball too. It might not sound like a cancer issue but it is, because I've been hunched over this laptop for months in bed.

It's been sunny the last couple of days. I've walked by the ocean which I hardly ever do - with Viradhamma at Rockaway Beach (Pacifica), and Fort Funston with Lisa S. yesterday. My pedometer doesn't really work so haven't been logging the miles, but I can feel them. Walked up to Bernal Hill today with Elaine, Lisa Kee and Lauren.

Group chemo room at Kaiser...
Can you find Suvanna?
Feldenkrais this morning: all kinds of fleeting stabby achey feelings, and occasional chills. Mostly deep in my pelvis or in my hip joints or knees. My feet are very numb today, and, strangely, my face.

I had a carne asada burrito for lunch. It's not very healthy for me, don't know what I was thinking. At least I seem to have gotten over the sugar craving for the moment. Someone brought over coconut bonbons and there were cookies from Hawaii. I love not feeling any conflict about things that are bad for me...

Lisa Kee gave me an awesome foot massage this afternoon and I drifted off, bliss...

Movie last night: Millions, directed by the recently more famous Danny Boyle. It was good.

Digging my Gomez station on Pandora, and Christy Moore:

I, Robot photo from

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