Saturday, August 4, 2012

"Don't worry about flaking out"

A tankha of Avalokitesvara (compassion
archetype) arrived from Trebor a few days
ago. Much more beautiful than this blurry photo!
Savanna came to SF today for a short visit, and went to part of chemo with Padmatara and I, and acupuncture. Afterwards we had croque monsieurs with mushrooms at Tartine.

We arranged to meet at 9am tomorrow before I head to a play and she heads home to New York. She said something like, "Don't worry about flaking if you're too tired or change your mind." It was delightful to hear. I am very unlikely to cancel but it was certainly nice to hear that, if I did, she would understand. It's true that I have spent a (relatively) colossal amount of time with people for the last...yeah, I don't know, must be at least a month or two now. I have enjoyed all of it, but it is a lot, and sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed. (I have all day Sunday unscheduled so that is great.)

I would also like it if you, dear reader, didn't take this to mean that you shouldn't contact me if you want to, but only that you may need to try to be very patient if possible because these days I am rather a hothouse flower (even if I do not always appear to be one.)

Two lovely ladies and
random folks getting infusions
The chemo session was mostly unremarkable, except no David and we were with other folks in the bigger room. I should have asked for the private, may well have been available...but my chemo sessions are long now, minimum of 5 hours, so getting a free room will be more of a challenge. Actually it was interesting being with other people. I was there the longest. Different people cycled through the other chairs.

AND they halved the oral dexamethasone - Dr. T. must have talked to them - and it was WAY better. I am prone to some kind of sub clinical mania...or maybe it's better to say just occasionally high strung. In any case this chemo and accompanying Rx...greatly amplifies that and I was starting to find it kind of torturous. Talking to the social worker Susan the other day, for example, I embarrassed myself because I felt like I was talking too much but pretty much couldn't shut up! I think I am much more sensitive to drugs than a lot of people, perhaps even more now that I've gone organic, etc. However, I certainly enjoy a mild boost. The onc. nurse I had today, Agnes, was surprised I was taking the anti-nausea stuff for five days - she said it was supposed to be three - but then I couldn't really remember what it was. (It's three days plus one morning on the fourth...the dosage seems to be the problem.)

I changed my chemo day to Monday instead of Friday which sadly means I won't have David anymore, but it works much better for my schedule, and also means if something goes very wrong in the days-after I can call the oncology nurses or my doctor rather than deal with a general advice nurse and go to the emergency room. So the new dates are three days later than the old ones: Aug 27, Sept 24, Oct 8. Have to double check with doc that doing blood tests three days early (Fridays) instead of one or two is OK.

Again the cross town quest to Misha's from chemo, very trippy. Misha was impressed that my oncologist didn't get miffed about the herbs. I gave him several sheets explaining the herbs and assured him that the interactions have been thoroughly checked, and he said it's fine...I see that I have an appt with Dr. Nelson on Sept 17, before my 5th chemo. I'm not sure if that's a mistake, as Dr. T said he'd be away for two weeks, not five. If it's not a mistake, I may consider changing oncologists. I love Dr. T, but someone more consistent would be fab too. (Dr. Nelson will be my third backup doctor, and it always seems to be during some scan which is when I want the same doctor the most...)

Sundry Items of a Less Linear Nature

Wisdom from the Ikea catalog
Ever since I said in my talk that things are simpler, I don't feel guilty so much, etc., I notice myself feeling guilty more. How'd that happen? I wouldn't mind so much but dag blastit I do feel slightly guilty about it...Oh BTW here is talk1 and talk2 on (click the link under the cryptic 'VBR MP3'). Eventually the talks will be online elsewhere with their brethren but for now this is easier.

I hope you like the photos on this page. I took them with my new/old iPhone (Internet only) that Viveka gave me. I noticed it takes longer to take a photo than with my camera, which you just turn on. On the iPhone you have to slide the thing, then click the camera icon, then click the shutter icon. Plus hardware is faster than software, at least at first - you feel it rather than look for it. So not as much spontaneity in the photo is possible, but then again I often have to move closer or zoom in with my regular camera because it seems to move people ten feet further away. On the third hand the iPhone names every photo photo.jpg which is hassle with importing into iPhoto, and into this blog, possibly only because I don't really know what's what with a Mac. I wish I had the energy to go to the Apple store, or listen to tutorials. I feel like I do stuff the long way. Anyway it's fun playing with an iPhone. Having only a dumbphone sometimes one can't help but feel like a dinosaur.

Trying on weird wigs
in the communal
infusion room
Some plans are cooking up for next year - retreats, mostly in far away places, and a couple of them very long. And my Tarot reading yesterday had a lot of strong, positive cards suggesting healing, prosperity, travel, strength, and meditation. So there. According to the potentially uber-reliable, the 'final outcome card' in my reading has this meaning:
Introduction: The 6 of Wands is a very positive omen. It can indicate that despite the challenges you are facing, you will overcome them and come out on top. This card also points toward literal or metaphorical movement; things are changing, in a positive way. 
General: In general, the 6 is about happiness and celebration. You are about to see some results for your hard work and efforts. Give yourself a break or treat yourself in some way. You have certainly earned it. 
Health: If you're worried about health, relax. Things are not as bad for you or the person that you're asking about as you fear. There is an underlying, spiritual strength that will sustain the health of the person you're asking about. Take heart.
Two of the photos from this post a couple of days ago (click a photo to zoom in) show the cards in the reading, and a map explaining the significance of each in the layout, called the Celtic Cross.

A lot can happen in one day. There's more I could go into. I hope all this makes sense. It has taken me ages to write it.

1 comment:

  1. Love that Tarot reading! Couldn't be much better, eh? Lots of love, Varada!