Sunday, October 14, 2012

Navigating a shitty mood

A mermaid painted on a wall outside an abandoned grocery store
sits in the shadow of a shopping cart
Some things occurred to me as I walked up 24th street this evening, watching the sky turn pink. It occurred to me that I've been complaining more lately, generally with a shittier attitude. This is somehow linked to waiting, frustration with waiting, with being in limbo land.

It further occurred to me that there is nothing to wait for. Because the scan I will get only provides temporary information. In that way, it is like all information. Any information one gets sheds light on now. This is one of the slow lessons of cancer. Slow for me anyway. There's very little in the way of certainty, of 0's and 1's. I had breakfast at Radish with Anushka this morning, who reminded me of this. The info you get doesn't last. Cancer is sneaky and subtle, as are lots of other conditions of life.

People have different responses to me complaining. Most people are thinking - whether they actually say it or not:
Yeah, you have fucking cancer, you're damn right you're complaining, because cancer SUCKS and you shouldn't have gotten it. I should have gotten it because I am a sickly bastard who does not take care of him- or her-self. But you're the one who got it, and you've had TWO rounds of treatment, you still don't know what your status is, and all that SUCKS. OF COURSE you're sick of it. 
Others don't seem to be interested in my complaints. Strangely, when people are sympathetic, I don't notice as much that I am complaining.

It seems to me that there is no point in primarily waiting. What can we ever really know? Why resent this moment for not being an imaginary later moment?

I talked to Trebor this morning who is living with his family in Berlin for a year.  I'm sorry I haven't seen his little girls in such a long time. Rosa turned five today  and the other, Emma, is one. One thing we talked about is how sometimes you can realize that you're in ideal conditions, and that the grousing is not really about external things.

Different subject - what to recommend or get for your female pals with cancer

As I might have mentioned, most headgear for cancer patients is ugly. I got the "sleek turban" shown, but in dark blue, from Jazz Up Designer Headwear. It's cute. I tried to take some pictures of mine but they were all crap. (Admittedly I didn't put a lot of effort into the photos. Sitting on my bed in the bad light taking my picture with one hand...)

For cute wigs, go to Natural Beauty Salon, 105 W. Portal Avenue. If you have cancer you can get one free - set it up with the American Cancer Society first.

I miss my hair, and am looking forward to its return, though I probably have at least another month before it even starts. All kindsa crap is getting into my eyes and nose because I lack the hair shield. Hair is awesome. Chairish it.
As Kool and the Gang advised: 
Cherish the hair we have,
We should cherish the hair we live,
Cherish the hair, cherish the hair...

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