|Just after acupuncture today,|
I barely recognize myself...
Chuck Connors in The Rifleman?
I was reflecting about how my Buddhist practice has changed. Now it seems to be all about noticing and reflecting on my mental states, talking with people, and writing. I used to do more than that. I used to sit every day, and I used to map out the future. There was always, there always seemed to be, somewhere, a future, or at least an imagined future perfuming the great matter of life and death...
Now I am assuming that the cancer in my lungs - or must I use the cursed word nodules? - will be crushed by the cytotoxic tsunami in which my body now marinates...and if it doesn't, angsting about that now will in no way prepare me for it. Sure, there's not knowing: I most certainly do not know. But there is always some sense of the outcome, it's there, it effects things, I don't even have to think about it. I don't think a positive attitude necessarily makes positive things happen, it just makes everything feel like less of a thorn in one's flesh.
Don't know if I can give the talk next week. Feels like getting into a car accident and trying to give a talk as you're flying through the windshield...Danamaya suggested just doing what I can, that that is enough. She is probably right.