Thursday, June 28, 2012

How Much to Reveal on the Blog?

Balmy Alley
Went to a Feldenkrais Restorative Movement class at UCSF this morning. It was fantastic! We did almost nothing, which is kind of the point. It is an awareness practice involving very small movements. At first I felt all tight and trying too hard. Forty-five minutes later, much more relaxed and spacious. I think it will be useful, though no class next week because of July 4th.

Shall I reveal what happened afterwards? Well. I pretty much diarrhea'ed myself before I could get back to my house. Last night I had rich and slightly spicy pad thai, which blasted through me all night. I thought it was done. Must remember to use the toilet every chance I get when I am out, especially before I get in the car! Felt pretty rough all day, hardly got out of bed. How I feel, what I can do, energy level, gut situation, seems to change quickly.

This is Day 6 of 147 days of chemo effects, at least.

My first round of treatment, during the radiation and chemo, I was mentally prepared to die. It still feels important to be prepared to die. This time, though, I am planning on living.


  1. I love you so much. I planned on you living the first time. And again this time. I'm glad we're on the same page now. XOXO

  2. Jules called it right. Live and then live some more, I say! Even if you leak sometimes......that must have been yucky. Many hugs!

  3. "Suvanna I appreciated your recent post about the effects of the pad thai on your system and commute. I come from a family with a history of Crohn's & colitis, and know "accidents" are an issue many people face. They are hard to talk about, and the more people who do, the less isolated people feel when this is an issue they deal with. So thanks for being brave. Also many of my quadriplegic friends can tell a tale or two, and the ways people learn to manage these things (logistics and emotional aspects) are pretty incredible."

  4. And even "ordinary" people can have the random accident. I remember one such, during which I was very grateful for my ankle-length trench-coat. And what ended up in my shoe was handily limited by thick socks. Late for work that day!

  5. hey darling thanks for sharing! I'm sorry you had to experience. Here's a 'poem' I wrote a few years back related to some of my "tummy issues"

    The "D" Word

    I jumped on the bus, but I had diarrhea.
    I jumped off the bus, because I had diarrhea.
    I went into Starbucks, because I had diarrhea.
    I smiled at a homeless man, because I had diarrhea.
    He let me go in the bathroom before him, because I had diarrhea.
    I was in there for 20 minutes, because I had diarrhea.
    He pounded on the door, because I had diarrhea.
    I flushed the toilet 15 times, because I had diarrhea.
    He scowled at me when I left, because I had diarrhea.
    I walked the rest of the way, because I had diarrhea.
    My friends asked me why I was late, I said I had tummy problems.

    Sanyo always suave and sleek and swift, could crank out a rap tune or a sick joke in a flash. His smile always saved him with the ladies; late parties, he'd be there, watching your back, after you had one too many Jell-O shots or margarita's, until he had diarrhea.

    Cassandra beautiful, haughty, smarter than any scientist, politician or therapist. She gave the best advice about lust, social justice and psychology. She never bitched about that boyfriend or that boss, she was always there to listen, unless she had diarrhea.

    diarrhea love, diarrhea hate, diarrhea prayer, diarrhea meditation, diarrhea daydreams, diarrhea breakfast, diarrhea lunch, diarrhea candlelight dinner.

    The candles are nice, but I have diarrhea.
    Bjork is singing softly through your speakers, but I have diarrhea.
    You made me lasagna, but I have diarrhea.
    My stomach is gurgling, because I have diarrhea.
    I laugh out loud at nothing, because I have diarrhea.
    I want to kiss you, but I have diarrhea.
    It's all very romantic, but I have diarrhea.
    "Could you put the music up louder," I ask, because I have diarrhea.
    I leave to "powder my nose" (i.e. diarrhea).
    I desperately open the window in your bathroom, because I have diarrhea.
    I sit on the toilet, because I have diarrhea.
    I look for air freshener, because I have diarrhea.
    I find some bath and tile cleaner and spray it through the entire room, shower stall, above the toilet 3 times and in the doorway, because I have diarrhea.
    I return to our dinner, but...
    The food is now cold, because I have diarrhea.
    "What's wrong?" you ask, and I can't say, diarrhea.
    "My cat died," I say, instead of saying diarrhea.
    I start to cry openly, because I have diarrhea.
    But you don't know that, you think I'm emotionally labile.
    I leave you with a hug, your bathroom smelling of diarrhea and tile cleaner.
    When I get home, after an hour-long butt clenching walk, I take 3 Lomital because I have diarrhea. I've been constipated for 5 days.

  6. I LOVE THAT POEM. thanks for posting it.