Redaction

I'd like to 'stage' some photos,
but who's got the energy for that?

Now I never should have said that I am burning with life. 'Cuz it ain't true anymore, or not much of the time. Sometimes, especially in the morning, I barely move, and when I do it's very slow, and the horizontal position fills me with joy. I wonder if taking the tiny amount of steroids I'm supposed to stop taking today is what makes it eventually possible for me to get out of bed.

I had two bodywork sessions today: a reiki from Tania this morning at Julie's, and a shiat'su with Dhammagita this afternoon back in the city. Both of them in different ways send me relaxing and sinking back into my body.

I was thinking today that "how I am" moves between two poles - one end being relaxed and fully or more fully occupying my body. The other more about trying to "manage" everything on all the different levels. Medications and herbal pills, symptoms (actually, side effects of treatment, I have no symptoms that I know of), medical appointments, bodily tension, 'complimentary medicine' appointments and classes, decisions, analyzing.

When my body is essentially being assaulted in bizarre ways by treatment, and all kinds of management strategies ensue, the body begins to some degree to turn into a thing, which means that feeling is replaced by management strategy. Basically, more of the life force or awareness, I'm not sure what to call it, moves to my head and withdraws from my body. Coming back to a feeling that I can just be in and directly experience my body is always a great relief.

My 'look' now is tougher and includes lots of dark head stubble, an unorthodox Mohawk, and tattoos, albeit temporary ones. The hair down my head that looked like something's tail is smaller since more hair has fallen out. I find that sort of normal facial expressions look harder. more angry. Maybe the red forehead is a factor too.

I noticed yesterday that my skull emits heat. The burn on my forehead seems to be dimming a bit.